Cottage nuts: Games to help you beat those snowed-in blues
Techniques for Surviving Cabin Fever
By John Coleman
“Cottage Nuts” is a slang term for Cabin Fever.
Its roots have been traced back to Chamonix France and Jean-Guy Rapatel’s innocent and humourous translation of the term. Technically speaking, Cottage Nuts is the claustrophobic reaction of a person or group isolated or shut in for an extended period of time. During the short days and long dark nights of winter, cases of Cottage Nuts occur even more frequently than the common cold or flu. Luckily, this affliction is also the primary concern of a group of popular malady enthusiasts called Citizens Producing Antidotes for Seasonal Tribulations (C.P.A.S.T.), who dedicate their lives to providing relief for the symptoms of Cottage Nuts.
Picture this: it’s minus 30 and you’ve been snowed in for a week. The first 80 centimetres of snow brought excitement and had you getting your skis shined up and grabbing sticks of Juicy Fruit. But now you’ve been plowed in and you’re beginning to find yourself restless, irritable, forgetful, and you’ve been drinking and sleeping excessively (directly related). All of these are signs and symptoms that you’re going…Cottage Nuts (CN). But not to worry, Highline has teamed up with the folks at C.P.A.S.T. to teach you some ancient techniques that can protect you from the deadly effects of contracting CN.
These activities are adaptable to your environment, contributing to why they have helped combat the effects of CN for over 55,000 years. The real key to successfully dealing with the phenomenon of going Cottage Nuts is to be creative, playful and adventurous. And being a little crazy doesn’t hurt either.
Bum Darts
Place of origin: Deep in the Amazon rainforest.
Equipment: (Ancient) A Brazil nut and a hole in the ground. (Current) A Canadian quarter and a coffee mug or a glass jar.
Objective: Successfully deposit quarter into designated receptacle or target
Position yourself about ten feet away from the target.
Squeeze the quarter (or quarters as you progress) between your butt cheeks.
Keeping the quarter squeezed between your cheeks, shuffle backwards, stand over the target, relax your cheeks and drop er’ in!
Tips from the pros:
Keeping a straight back helps immensely with aiming.
Straight back and trust!
Anything spandex is by far the best choice of attire because loose clothing can interfere with the intended trajectory of the quarter.
Use a tin or glass container as your target to produce a satisfying chime signifying a successfully thrown dart!
Doctor
Place of Origin: The frigid planes of Siberia.
Equipment: (Ancient) The large intestine of the great Woolly Mammoth (chosen for its durability and smell). (Current) 1/2’’ to 1’ wide climbing webbing, about twelve feet long
Objective: Cause your opponent to lose his/her balance.
Stand facing each other.
Each competitor loops the webbing behind his back and grips it tightly with one hand.
The slightest shuffle or step with one or both feet constitutes a victory for the other person.
During Doctor, you cannot touch the cord with your free hand at any time.
Tips from the Pros:
Pull the cord with your hand to take up the slack, and simultaneously flick your hip to pull your opponent forward out of balance.
Counter that aggressive offensive maneuver by creating slack in the line by putting your hand behind your back.
As with many games a good defense is a good offense.
Be patient.
Have at ‘er.
Bottle Walking
Place of Origin: Ireland
Equipment: (Ancient) Both the creators of bottle walking and contemporary traditionalists are extremely strict about using only beer bottles. (Current) Recent ethnographers have reported underground teen bottle walking crews that use Dad’s Root Beer bottles! You will need two bottles.
Objective: Be the person who can place your bottle the furthest, and return it to the start line by sliding it along the floor without falling.
Create a start line on the floor out of tape or whatever’s handy.
Only your feet/toes and the bottles themselves can touch the ground at any point. No hands. Any other body part touching the ground results in immediate disqualification.
While keeping your toes behind the start line, grab hold of one of the upright bottles in each hand and slide forward while balancing on them.
Establish a strong position and extend one bottle as far as you can without falling.
Grab the other bottle with both hands and pull yourself back upright while keeping your toes behind the line.
Tips from the Pros:
Only perform bottle walking on ground with decent friction; otherwise you will be playing ‘face-planting,’ which is another game altogether.
Different hand positions have been attempted, but wrapping the hands around the neck of the bottle is most popular amongst pros and seasoned veterans.
Rock-climbers and yogis pose the biggest challenge in any given bottle walking competition due to their body tension, strength, and flexibility. But my greatest adversary to date is a Ninja with supreme powers that goes by the name of ‘Sven’.
Although tall people have an obvious reach advantage, the old saying of “the bigger they are the harder they fall” is often realized.